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"Maybe," Levi said, shrugging. "But life's not really about
people getting what they deserve. Look at you and Ashley.
Did you deserve what happened with Meg?"
Philip sighed. "I might have. If we hadn't got so incredibly
pissed that night that I slept with her..."
"Then there wouldn't be any Ashley," Levi pointed out, and
Philip looked startled.
"No, you're right. Of course there wouldn't. And that would
be I can't even imagine." Philip tugged at Levi's shoulder
until he moved closer and lay down with his head sharing the
pillow. Neither of them said anything for a little while. Levi
rubbed one fingertip across Philip's nipple, watching it tighten
and then soften again. "I think she's dead," Philip offered
finally. "I think Meg's dead."
Levi hugged him. "Wouldn't you have heard? I mean, the
police..."
"The police have better things to do than look for someone
who left of her own accord," Philip said. "Don't get me
wrong the Dixons hired a couple of private investigators to
look for her, and I think officially they still are, but it's been a
long time." He sighed more heavily. His fingers carded
through Levi's hair. "I want to tell you something. Can I?"
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Levi could hear what he was asking loud and clear. Can I
trust you? "Yeah. Yes. You can tell me anything. I promise."
"And you take your promises seriously." Philip hesitated for
a long moment, and Levi waited, trying to be patient. "I don't
just think she's dead. I hope she is." He turned his head to
look at Levi, even though it was awkward. "Do you think that
makes me a horrible person?"
"No! God, no! No, I don't think that."
"The thought of her out there on the streets. What she
must be doing to get money for the drugs. It makes me I
don't know, it makes me crazy." Pushing himself to a sitting
position against the headboard, Philip ran both hands through
his hair, making it stand up wildly. "It makes me want to to
break things, to go to some bar and start a fight, just so I can
feel arrrh!" He banged his head into the wall, but not hard
enough to hurt himself or, hopefully, wake Ashley.
That didn't mean Levi found it any less alarming. "Hey," he
said, sitting up and getting a hand along the back of Philip's
skull to cushion it from any further impact. "I know it's not
easy, but don't freak out on me."
"Not easy?" Philip repeated. "Not easy? Well, isn't that the
understatement of the century."
"Don't take this out on me," Levi said. He might be
insecure sometimes, but he wasn't a doormat. "It's not my
fault."
Philip gave him an apologetic look. "No, of course not. I'm
sorry."
Letting his hand slide down to the back of Philip's neck
which was more comfortable than having his knuckles
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pressed against the drywall Levi leaned in and kissed him.
Philip made a soft, maybe desperate sound into Levi's mouth
and clung to him. By the time they separated, Levi had one
goal in mind. "You think it'd be okay if I took your clothes off
now?"
"I think that would be all right," Philip said, and Levi went
to work.
Levi ended up spending most of the night, then sneaking
out very early, some time before five. Philip crept to the front
door with him and kissed him goodbye very thoroughly. "I'll
call you," Philip whispered.
"Okay," Levi said.
He drove home, where he collapsed into bed for a couple
of hours before his alarm went off and forced him into the
shower with its piercing beep. Standing with the hot water
stinging his face did little to wake him up, so he swung by
Starbucks on the way to the office a rare treat and got a
tall mocha in the hopes that it would do what the shower
hadn't. Still, he couldn't successfully stifle a yawn when he
picked up his ringing phone just after ten.
"Hey," Brian said. "What are you up to tonight? You want
to get together?" That was a euphemism for "fuck." He must
have heard the tail end of Levi's yawn, because he added,
"Oh, sorry, am I keeping you up?"
"No, my job's doing that," Levi told him. "God, just come
over here and kill me now." His head was pounding and he
could barely keep his eyes open.
Brian didn't sound nearly sympathetic enough. "You're
hung over, aren't you?"
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"Believe it or not, all I had to drink last night was a glass
of wine. At six o'clock."
"Okay," Brian said slowly. "So what else did you take? X?
Or did you just get really, really stoned? Oh man, don't tell
me you got really, really stoned without me?"
Levi groaned and cradled his head in his hand. "I didn't."
"Then what the hell " Brian swore under his breath. "You
hooked up with someone. You were up all night having hot
hook-up sex."
"Yes," Levi said, too tired to deny it. "Yes, okay. Really hot
sex. Almost all night, although I think there was some
sleeping in there somewhere."
"Almost all night?" Brian snorted. "You're getting old if you
were sleeping instead of fucking."
"Not old, just very tired. And technically there wasn't
fucking. I mean, there was no, you know." Levi lowered his
voice, which was completely unnecessary because he was in
his own (admittedly small) office with the door closed and
there was no one who could overhear him unless he'd been
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| Cytat |
Dobre pomysły nie mają przeszłości, mają tylko przyszłość. Robert Mallet
De minimis - o najmniejszych rzeczach.
Dobroć jest ważniejsza niż mądrość, a uznanie tej prawdy to pierwszy krok do mądrości. Theodore Isaac Rubin
Dobro to tylko to, co szlachetne, zło to tylko to, co haniebne.
Dla człowieka nie tylko świat otaczający jest zagadką; jest on nią sam dla siebie. I z obu tajemnic bardziej dręczącą wydaje się ta druga. Antoni Kępiński (1918-1972)
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